The fear of man brings a snare, but he who trusts in the Lord will be exalted.
At the Life Center, we have many people who struggle with being hopeless pleasers. They have given up hope that they will never stop saying “yes” when they mean “no.” If you have fallen into that trap, I have great news for you. Christ has already given you the victory over people-pleasing.
Victory from people-pleasing starts by seeing yourself in Christ. It’s only there where you are fully accepted and safe from rejection. The rejection we fear is often packaged as a heavy, pathetic sigh from another meant to communicate: I am disappointed that you are not doing more for me. At times it is packaged as a manipulative suggestion that if we do not grant someone‘s request it means, we don’t love or appreciate them. Because we love people and don’t want to disappoint them, their words, sighs, or body language produces toxic emotions in us. We then attempt to rid ourselves of feelings of rejection and immediately respond by jumping into people please through serving them. Unfortunately, the love we genuinely possess does not end up being the motivation for our serving. False guilt is our motivator, which in turn produces shame.
When we fail to see ourselves properly we will inadvertently default to blindly searching for other’s approval or finding our approval based on our achievements. As you see yourself in union with Christ fully accepted by Him, you can begin to lay down the approval you so long for from others. Then, begin living from the inheritance you received at Salvation, a gift of love, acceptance, and the power to stop longing for other’s validation. This power comes from simple faith and results in victorious living.
Below are some thoughts and actions that can help free you from people-pleasing (click the triangle at each number to read more)
People are fickle; they will accept you one day and not the next. If people only accept you for what you do (or don’t do) for them, they aren’t accepting you! You are not your actions! There might be a chance that they are using you in an attempt to meet their need to feel secure or loved. While you are most certainly a great friend (or son or daughter), you are a lousy Jesus. Only Jesus can meet their needs.
Striving for other’s appreciation of you is ultimately an attempt to prove your worth. Because you are complete in Christ you don’t need other’s acceptance to find that value. You are made complete because you are God’s offspring, not because you behave a certain way that makes you acceptable. It is in your completeness that you rest when false guilt rises to dissuade you. You are complete in Christ, meaning accepted. Therefore you do not need other’s appreciation to prove your worth. God accepts you. Think about that. People accept each other based on performance. God accepts you because you are a son. That is your resting place when false guilt raises its ugly head. People are great, but in the end, they are simply people. In Christ, you already have everything pertaining to life and godliness, so relax. You are accepted. Your feelings also aren’t an accurate gauge of your worth. Feelings are generated from beliefs, and your beliefs can be unstable. God wills and works in those who choose to walk in new patterns despite their feelings. What a beautiful, simple definition of obedience. Acts 5:32 says, “And we are witnesses of these things; and so is the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to those who obey Him.” Did you hear that? When we obey, God releases the Holy Spirit to work out His divine will in us!
Every day get up and confess that God accepts you in Christ. While your behavior may not be perfect, your sonship is secure, and God has promised to continue the work in you which he began. Confess that no man can accept you more than God and refuse to let others rob you of your sense of acceptance based on their behavior or demands.
People pleasers are usually intensely kind caring people. Your character of kindness is beautiful and an inspiration to those around you, but often the motivation for people-pleasing is a fear of embarrassment or rejection. That motivation can stem from an unrevealed belief that people won’t like us if we are our genuine selves, with unique quirks and preferences. There will always be some who won’t like or approve of you, and you need to embrace that as fact. A popular hip-hop artist, Lecrae, echoes these thoughts in his lyrics: “If you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.” No one was more gifted in serving than Christ. Yet, He did not feel guilty for saying no. When John and James asked to sit at His right hand in heaven, Jesus lovingly said no “you do not know what you are asking.” Likewise, when Peter passionately stated, “God, forbid” regarding the death of Christ, Jesus was not unloving when he said, “You are not setting your mind on God’s interest, but man’s.” Again, when the Pharisees were implying that Mary was wasteful for pouring costly oil over Christ’s feet, Jesus had no trouble telling them that her name would be recorded in heaven. How was Jesus able to serve them and not get drawn into just pleasing them? He knew he had the Father’s acceptance and approval which gave him the confidence necessary to respond. As you become established in your acceptance in Christ, you do not need acceptance from others. You have an abundance of Christ’s acceptance that you can now freely give away.
Is it possible to embrace potential and often inevitable rejection? 1 John 4:8 reminds us that “The one who does not love [accept others] does not know God, for God is love.” Their seeming rejection isn’t about you. It is about them. They need your prayers, not your agreement to go along with them or say yes. Although we often say yes with a servant’s heart, it is not grounded in a healthy motive or our freedom and acceptance in Christ.
As a result of previous or childhood rejection, pain programs us to believe that God doesn’t accept you the way you are. But think about that for a minute. He sent His Son to die for you. He raised you in Christ and seated you at the right hand of the Father, a significant place to be sitting for someone who is supposedly not acceptable. He regenerated your spirit with new hardware that overrides old programming by filling it with the life of His Son. You are now a son and a co-heir with Christ. He promised never to leave you or reject you. God likes you a lot!
Remember the first steps will feel awkward in walking in your acceptance. Since you know the areas of temptation, forewarned is the opportunity to be forearmed.
“Thank you for inviting me. I need to think about that and get back to you.”
“Thank you for inviting me to help, but I can’t this time. Keep me in mind for a different time.”
“That doesn’t work out for me this time. Sorry.”
You do not owe people an explanation. State the phrase and skedaddle before you are tempted by your kindness to say yes (or go along with something) when you need to say no.
When you fall, get back up again and start over. That is what babies do. They don’t beat themselves up and declare they are hopeless. They get right back up. Why? Because they are created to walk. Guess what? You are also created to walk – by faith. You will get the hang of it. Each step of faith will be met by God’s freeing power that slowly but surely untangles old patterns and frees you to walk in new victory.
Sometimes it is hard to sort things out or establish new patterns without the help of others. The Bible says that the body needs the body to build each other up. We invite you to check out our Reigning in Life Conference, which will help you understand your acceptance in Christ, or schedule a session with a discipler who is skilled in leading you into healing, freedom, and victory.
Excellent post, I especially like point #5 – and our security in Christ gives us the eyes to see that it is true.